To Work or Not to Work??

Wow, never did I think that I would wrestle with this thought SO much. Before Avery was born, it wasn't even a question for me. Of course I was going back to work after maternity leave...I had a GREAT job at an AMAZING company and I worked for and with some pretty wonderful people!

Then one of the best things in my life happened- Avery was born. Wow, do these little people change your life a lot more than you can ever imagine....and your emotions/hormones! I never expected the emotional roller-coaster I would be on the first few weeks. No one tells you about this part. I had developed such an incredible amount of love in my heart for my little girl. I just couldn't fathom the thought of leaving her to complete strangers 5 days a week for 8-9 hours a day. I felt like our bond would be broken, that she wouldn't love me as much and even that she wouldn't know I was her mom. I swear I called Jason crying at least four or five times in the first few weeks telling him how I couldn't bear the thought of that. Jason would always tell me that he wanted me to be happy and supported me in whatever I decided to do. While I love having his total support, this did not make the decision easier for me. In fact, only one thing did...

Time. As the weeks of my maternity leave went on, not only did my hormones start to level out, but Avery also started to grow. She is now not the helpless tiny infant that I brought home, but becoming a very independent little baby with a ton of personality. And I definitely know now that she knows I am her mom.

My main fear of going back to work was due to Avery's happy and independent personality. I could picture her being left in a bouncer in the corner of a daycare room while all the other crying babies were getting attention. Avery has the sweetest little heart, smiles and laughs. I don't know if I could forgive myself if these things changed. My biggest need/want in life right now is her happiness. I want her to feel loved and happy every second of the day. Ultimately I realized that it was selfish of me to think that I was the only person that could make her feel this way. This was how Jason and I came to the conclusion that a Nanny, despite the steep costs, was the best decision for Avery at this stage in her life. We will probably start her in daycare/preschool when she is old enough to interact with other children and grow in this area. Right now we simply want someone to hold her, cuddle her, love her, make her laugh and just let her know that she is loved...all day.

After my hormones went back to normal, and we discussed the possibilities of a Nanny, I decided that I simply cannot leave such a great company and position at this point in my life. I feel that (as long as Avery feels loved all day) I will ultimately be helping her and making her life better. We will be able to provide for all of her needs and wants and give her the best life we can. Being at work all day, will make me cherish EVERY single moment I will get with her from the time I come home from work to the time I lay her in her crib. I will probably live for the weekends, not because I dislike my job at all, but because I get to spend all day again with my little girl! Thankfully, I also work for such a great company to whom work/life balance is very important, so I am lucky that they are working with me to change my hours so I can get home to this little one an hour earlier at night! I also have a very driven personality that is greatly fulfilled by my work. I hope to show Avery that you can do both, be a great mom and also a hard working one at that.

I wanted to share my struggle because I know that every working mom goes through this, especially with their first baby. Hormones can do CRAZY things both during pregnancy and after :) But I learned that in the end, through a whole lot of prayer and consideration, it will all work out how it is suppose to- whatever that decision may be for you.

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